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Monday, June 24, 2013

Do You Feel like You Attract Mean Guys?

Coping with Grief: A Self-Help (Google Affiliate Ad)Do you ever feel like you only attract mean guys?

It seems like the relationship is going fine, you've fallen in love with the man of your dreams, than things change. For the first several dates or even months of the relationship things have been perfect, then suddenly or even subtly, it seems he is a different person. He's making comments that are hurtful, he seems to be bothered by things that didn't bother him before and he seems generally unhappy. When you ask him what is wrong he may reply that things aren't as he thought they were or he may blame you and say you've changed. By this point you have probably checked to see if you have done anything to change his behavior or wondered if there was another woman. That feeling of depression; that you just can’t seem to find a guy that won’t hit you physically or hurt you emotionally begins to set in…what do you do? How do you attract a nice guy? All is not lost.

In my own experience, I have been there; I have felt like I only attract mean guys. I have had a long relationship that lasted over 20 years that I was miserable in because I didn't know how to leave. I felt like everything was my fault, that if I could just be a better person he would be nicer to me, or that I couldn't be with anybody else because I was not good enough. I got out of that relationship only to find myself in another abusive relationship and then it happened again and again. I felt like the only kind of guy that liked me are the mean ones. Maybe I was too damaged to attract a nice guy? Maybe the other guys that told me that no one would love me like they did and that no one would ever love me besides them, were right? But I learned differently and it really helped change my world.


According to Dr. Steven Stosny, PhD, writer for Psychology Today, Anger in the Age of Entitlement: Cleaning up Emotional Pollution/Are You Dating an Abuser?, A woman doesn't attract mean men necessarily but she may not realize that the nice men are attracted to her. Nice men do not push boundaries, they respect a woman when she seems to feel uncomfortable, and they back off. So the woman that is used to being abused sees this as the man only wanting to be friends. This information was a real eye-opener to me. I realized that maybe I was not “damaged goods” as I had been made to believe; maybe I could get a nice guy. This thought is very exciting! As a woman who's been abused it will be difficult for me to understand when a guy is just being nice or when his actually flirting with me but that's the mystery of dating anyway. There's always a question of is he interested or is he not but there won't be a question from now on that if he is pushing the relationship harder that I want I will dump him like a sack of potatoes! I will not stay in a relationship with a guy that tells me I am stupid or anything else that is demeaning. I do not say that to them, so I will not tolerate it from them. I have learned from my experiences. I have learned that I have just as much right to be loved as anyone else.


Dr. Steven Snosny, PhD also wrote an article titled Emotional Abuse in which he has a quiz called" Walking on Egg Shells". The quiz asks a series of questions of how you feel in a relationship and scores your response. The lower the score the more likely you are in an abusive relationship, the higher the score the more likely you're in a good relationship. I took the quiz and learned I was sticking to relationships that were emotionally abusive. I will change this and you can too.


When dating someone, take this quiz and see how things are going. Keep in mind to not feel pushed, degraded, or made to feel in any other way bad. A relationship should make you happy. This is not to say that there won't be issues or fights but the majority of the relationship should be good, without fear. There will be disagreements, but a woman should never feel she has to walk on eggshells around a man that claims to love her. He may love her …in his own way…but that is not necessarily a healthy kind of love. Do not feel guilt or shame for leaving an emotionally (Or physically) abusive relationship. There is nothing wrong with standing up for your rights to be happy.
Self-Help Poetic Expressions. (Google Affiliate Ad)

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